How To Save A Life
by markedandtied
Summary: Jacob's avoiding Bella. And she can't take it anymore.


a/n: the lyrics are "how to save a life" by the fray.

- - -

_Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through_

The drive hadn't been long. . . less than half an hour from Forks to La Push, but somehow it seemed like time had slowed down. The road was dark and endless.

Finally I emerged from the trees, navigating the familiar roads to Jacob's house. I was prepared to wait all night if I had to. I just needed to see him – to talk to him. The confrontation this afternoon had done nothing but make me more resolute in that point. I needed to be able to have a conversation with my best friend and just my best friend. Without Sam and the rest of the gang watching so closely, keeping Jacob from saying everything I knew he wanted to. After all, he'd promised me. I knew our relationship mattered just as much to him as it did to me. It had to.

Didn't it?

I cut the engine as soon as I pulled up, slouching in my seat. My eye fell to lap, where my hands were anxiously clasped. I was taken off guard by the rap on my window. My heart hammered and my eyes snapped up, to see a large, dark figure next to my truck. The scowl on the face was so unfamiliar, but I recognized him instantly anyway.

Jacob. My Jacob.

_Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came_

He opened the door before my fingers could react enough to grasp the handle. I stumbled out, too distracted by the hostility rolling off of him to concentrate properly on my movements. I felt tears prick at my eyes at the sight of him. He just looked so. . . angry. And like he was in such pain. I longed to hug him and wrap myself around his warm body, like I always had. I knew that wasn't an option right now.

The silence was deafening. I didn't try to keep track of how long it lasted. Minutes had become hours to me, and for all I knew, we could have been standing like this for days.

"What do you want Bella?" Jacob finally asked, his voice lacking any life at all. "I thought I made myself clear. We can't be friends, Bella."

"You made yourself clear? Or Sam did?" I challenged, my voice a hint sharper than I intended.

"Don't start that again, Bella! Leave Sam out of this. He doesn't deserve the blame you're putting on him." Jacob seemed to strain to keep a detached tone in his voice. I knew him well enough to recognize the anger just underneath the surface of his words.

"Then who does? Talk to me, Jake!"

"I _can't_, Bella. How hard is it for you to understand that? I really, really can't."

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

The tears pricked at my eyes again and I fought them back as hard as I could.

"Since when, Jacob? We're _best friends_. You can tell me anything." My voice broke at the end of my sentence and I was stupid to think he wouldn't notice.

Jacob's resolve faltered slightly when he heard it. Concern leaked into his dark eyes and after just a second, he managed to compose himself again.

"That was then. This is now."

"What kind of crap is that? I'm still Bella and you're still Jacob. That's the only thing that matters to me!"

"It's not that simple, Bella. Believe me, I wish it was."

"Ugh!" I buried my head in my hands for just a few seconds, fighting back the urge to cry and the urge to scream. My hands fell and my head rose until my gaze could match his own. "What happened to you, Jake?"

_Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you_

"A lot." He chuckled darkly. "You wouldn't know what to say if I told you. You wouldn't still be standing here if you knew. You'd be as far away from me as possible. You wouldn't want anything to do with me."

"That's insane! There's nothing – you hear me? – _nothing _that could ever make me want to leave you."

"You say that now, but. . ." he trailed off.

"No, I say that _always_. Jake, I've spent every day with you. Time with you means more to me than anything I have in my life right now. You can't tell me that you honestly, truly, don't feel that way anymore. That I mean nothing to you."

"I didn't say that." I could see real emotion slipping back into his eyes.

"Then what are you saying? Because I'm never letting this go Jacob. You mean more than that to me!"

"I know. Trust me, Bella, I know. You mean. . ." He didn't finish his sentence. He stiffened abruptly. "Look, it doesn't change anything. Even if. . . even if I wish it did. It doesn't, okay?"

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

"Why do you always do that, Jake?" I asked, avoiding his question.

"Do what?" He asked, seeming exasperated with me.

"Stop yourself. Just when you're about to tell me how you really feel. I know that's not what you wanted to say Jake. I know you. You wanted to tell me how you feel the same. How you want everything I want. Don't pretend you don't!"

"That's not the point, Bella! How many times do I need to tell you that? What I want, feel. . . it doesn't matter. It's irrelevant. Just as irrelevant as what you want and feel. It can't change anything. Nothing can."

"That's a lie!"

"Give it up, Bella! When will you finally listen? This is the way things are. So stop trying to pretend they aren't."

"You know me better than that, Jake. I'm more stubborn than you are. And I'm not letting this go. Ever."

_As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

"Why? Damn it, Bella! Why do you have to make this harder than it is! Do you think I like this? Do you think I want things to be this way? _Damn it_!" His voice was steadily rising with every word, until he was shouting at me with more force than I'd imagined him to be capable of.

"Then change them. Come back to me. Let's forget about all of this." I pleaded meekly.

"I can't!" Each word was distinct and nearly distorted by the volume he shouted it at. I could hear more than anger in his shouting this time. There was more pain that I ever imagined. And I was surprised by how badly it hurt me.

I could feel myself ripping in two, right down the center of my heart. What did my old wound matter, when I was faced with this new one? I was so connected to Jacob, in ways I'd never intended to be.

He completed me.

His sunshine was the only thing that kept me going. The way he always silently understood everything I was feeling and could make all the bad thoughts disappear. The way he made me smile and I him. The way our laughs harmonized – mine seeming small in comparison with his loud, husky one.

I never thought I'd come to admit to myself, because I never thought I'd have to. There was no reason to think our relationship was anymore than that of friends. But now. . . I knew that wasn't true. Now that I was faced with the thought of a life without Jacob, I realized what he honestly meant to me.

I loved him.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

The tears that had been constantly fighting against my eyes finally fell. Silently, they poured down my cheeks. My heart ached with each beat and I stared through the blur of my tears at my best friend. At the person I loved. The person who I'd given all that I had left to give. He had taken the remains of my broken heart I'd offered him and ripped them into further pieces.

It was hard to stand.

He seemed weakened by the way I broke right in front of him. I could tell my crying was hurting him and part of me hoped it would make him realize. And then he would stop all of this.

He did just the opposite.

"I'm sorry, Bella. That's just the way it is." He tried harder than I'd seen him do tonight to remain indifferent. He turned his back to me and began to walk away before he could betray any emotion.

"But you promised me!" I shouted to his back, my voice coming out in a strangled choke.

He stopped mid-stride. I moved toward him, my arm outstretched. My fingers reached his hand and I grasped it, whirling him toward me. I knew he wasn't resisting, otherwise I wouldn't have had the strength to turn him.

He avoided my eyes, looking down. My hand was still firmly clasped around his, but my free hand reached toward his face. I titled it to level with mine and when I met his eyes, they finally told what he was really feeling. There was anger, pain, and regret swimming in them.

"You can't just walk out on me, Jake. Not like this." I hesitated. "_I love you_."

His hand involuntarily tightened around me.

"You know I love you too."

"Then what else matters?"

"So much else matters. But right now. . . I really don't give a damn."

With that, he pulled me closer to him and his arms wrapped themselves gently around my small, fragile body. His warmth spread through me and I let my head rest against the large expanse of his chest.

He was Jacob. My Jacob.


End file.
